The Ultimate Problem with “The Ultimatum"
*Includes spoilers*
Have you ever wanted to strain your already tenuous relationship? If so, sign up for the Netflix show “The Ultimatum” where you date a group of people, live with one for three weeks, and then live with your current partner to reaffirm your love for them. Participants either believe this show will finally get them the proposal they are waiting for regardless of who does it, or they’re just excited to have a semi-legitimate reason to sleep with other people. This show, while silly and over the top on the outside, does a seriously good job of undermining serious issues within relationships by reducing them to annoying obstacles that stand in the way of marriage.
Lauren, the only woman who was issued the ultimatum in the show, has reservations about having children with her partner Nate. This is a serious topic, and something that many couples do have to face in their relationship. Colby, the only man on the show who issued the ultimatum, says he can “help her get through” her lack of a desire for kids, as if that is just some sort of obstacle to marriage and not instead a personal choice that she is justified to have. He sees it as a disagreement rather than a fundamental difference.
Before the show even gets into the thick of things, there are two proposals: one from Hunter to Alexis, and one from Nate to Lauren. While Hunter’s comes at an apt time and feels genuine, Nate himself only proposes to Lauren because he fears her choosing to live with Colby, who already decides that she will be his new partner. Nate’s ‘proposal’ was clearly only to prevent him from losing Lauren, not because they worked through the issues that landed them on the show in the first place. Those who propose should thoughtfully consider their decision, not only to make sure they get the ‘yes’ they’re hoping for, but to also guarantee that they truly mean their proposal, and they actually want to commit to spend the rest of their lives with this one person. Nate’s proposal felt cheap, and his proposal was done for the wrong reason: to prevent Lauren from leaving him. This is just one of the reasons that the show presents a problematic view of relationships and minimizes the commitment of marriage.
Another conflict that “The Ultimatum” tried to minimize was a lack of communication – something that routinely ends relationships. It is extremely difficult to watch participants in their twenties still not know how to voice their opinions and concerns, despite considering themselves ready to enter into a lifelong commitment. Shanique, whose original partner is Randall, tells him that she “want[s] you to sit in a f-ing corner and miss me” and is constantly jealous throughout the entire show. She retaliates against Randall by sleeping with her new partner Zay, rather than voicing her feelings of hurt and abandonment after seeing Randall with his new partner Madlyn. Colby, upset he was unable to live with his initial pick Lauren, decides to seek out companionship outside of the show, claiming he and his partner Madlyn have an ‘open relationship’. He later says he did so to make the experience more real for Madlyn, even though she fully experienced a new partner. This is not constructive communication, but instead makes the couples argue in circles. Most arguments between the show’s couples are about topics they didn’t properly discuss in the first place. While at first the arguments are shocking, by the fourth or fifth time, you can use them as a bathroom break.
On their first date, Lauren tells Colby that she “really needs to have those deep conversations and think about what parenting looks like one day” in order to commit to them. Yet, all their conversations consist of Nate’s insults toward her. It seems the couple used the engagement merely as a means of escaping the uncomfortable reality of the show – something they will undoubtedly encounter as a couple. When watching, it became clear that many of these couples don’t truly care for each other. If they did, they wouldn’t be so quick to drop their partner for having genuine concerns or emotional reservations concerning marriage.
The notion of encouraging other people to comment on your relationship is also problematic, as the participants aren’t qualified as professionals – or even people – to give relationship advice. Being on this show is proof enough that none of these people are experts in relationships. The hosts, Nick and Vanessa Lachey, are a singer and a reality TV show host, respectively, with their only qualification being that Vanessa herself issued Nick an ultimatum and then they split, which eventually resulted in their marriage.
It’s laughable to hear the hosts give advice to the couples, and it’s even funnier when everyone nods solemnly as if the secrets of the universe are being revealed. While watching the parts of the show when all the participants interact with each other, it’s painful to see people giving their two cents on others' relationships when their own relationship is falling apart. This is what we have professionals for, and shows like this are not meant to fix relationships, they are meant to give the audience a good show.
Even though we may call a show like “The Ultimatum” bad or low quality, we’re still talking about it; we’re still giving it attention. Shows like this are not something to look to for relationship advice, let alone marriage advice. These shows are created to showcase failing relationships, so we can cheer when the couples make it through in the end, cry along with them when they have messy break ups and yell at these people like we know everything about their relationship. There is nothing wrong with crappy reality TV shows to eat tubs of ice cream to, but there is a problem when we act as if these shows have any sort of legitimacy when it comes to real relationships. I definitely can’t give you any advice if you yourself are going through an ultimatum, though I can advise you not to get married at this age and in this economy. Being in a relationship is not everything, and everyone's relationship blossoms and grows at a different pace. Don't let some Netflix show make it seem like two years of dating without a proposal is an issue. Don’t think that a relationship was a waste of time because it didn’t end in marriage. So go ahead, watch “The Ultimatum”, because it’s not the problem – the public that calls for a show like this to be even made is.