Who Should Pay for the First Date?
Picture this: You are on a first date that is going insanely well. The person sitting across from you proves to be even hotter than their Tinder™ profile and somehow shares your sense of humor. After finishing your meal, the check arrives. Now what?
Several shifts have affected our society's dating culture and many of them are associated with the change in gender roles. So where did dating originate, and why were men expected to pay?
Before dating, there was an act that the middle-class referred to as “calling.” A “gentleman caller” would go to a family’s home and hope to be welcomed into their parlor. If he was invited to come back, he would be free to come visit the desired woman during the hours established by her parents. It was traditional, private, and relied heavily on social and financial status.
According to Moira Weigel, author of Labor of Love: The Invention of Dating, “The word ‘date’ first appeared in print in the sense that we now use it in 1896. A writer named George Ade dropped it in a weekly column that he wrote for The Chicago Record. The column was called ‘Stories of the Streets and Town.’ It promised to give his middle-class readers a glimpse into how the working class lived.”
As middle-class families continued to meet and marry through courtship, some women began to migrate to big cities and obtain jobs of their own, granting a sense of freedom. They could go out wherever and with whomever they chose, but they barely made enough money to eat, let alone spend on recreational purposes.
Weigel found that,“the belief remained widespread they were working not to support themselves but only to supplement the earnings of fathers or husbands. Employers used this misconception as an excuse to pay women far less than they paid men. In 1900, the average female worker earned less than half of what a man would earn in the same position.”
Simultaneously, thousands of date destinations were being opened across America, including penny arcades, restaurants, dance halls, amusement parks, etc. The only way a woman could experience going out on the town was if a man paid for the date.
Fast forward to 2020. Despite the persisting gender pay gap, women can make enough money to spend on dates. We are puzzled regarding the manner to deal with this reality. According to a Refinery29 poll of 656 Millennial women, 59 percent agreed that a man should always offer to pay for the first date, while 48 percent said they would allow their date pay for them if offered. One respondent said, “It's not about gender or politics, it's about appreciation and love languages.”
A lot of women use the bill as the signifier that a man is interested in them. Approximately 59 percent of women feel appreciated when their date pays. One woman commented, “If we split the bill, it’s like, what are we, buddies?” It makes sense that women are looking to be treated. It confirms that it is a date and that the payer is interested. A 26-year-old man said, “I feel like I’m getting friend-zoned if a girl pays for the date.”
On the contrary, another woman brought up expectations. She said, “I don't like men to pay for me, as I am afraid they will feel that I ‘owe’ them something in return (sex, another date, etc.).”
Even though 48 percent of women say they would let their date pay for them, 46 percent felt guilty when they didn’t pay and 55 percent felt that picking up the tab shows their date that they’re not taking advantage of them.
When I asked a 24-year-old man about paying for dates, he brought up that he likes to “flex” and show that he can pay. It gives him confidence, but he does not feel weird when a date pays for him. Other men view always paying on the first date as an unfair expectation, especially in the age of aspirational gender equality.
What about LGBTQ+ dating? According to research conducted with LGBTQ+ singles by Match.com, 62 percent claim that whoever initiated the date should pay, while the remaining 44 percent play it safe and split the bill. Either way, dating has changed. People feel that there needs to be a rule to follow, but we are not going to get one. Instead, it is important for each person to create the rules for their own circumstances.
Here are a few options & tips on paying for a date:
Always be prepared! Make sure to go somewhere both parties can afford.
If you know you want to pay for a date, say something beforehand! That way the person you are treating is prepared.
Regarding a person someone is dating consistently, I go back and forth on splitting the bill and paying every other date. That way you get the best of both worlds: the equalness of splitting the bill, and being able to treat (and get treated) every once in a while!
Most importantly, communication is key! Whether it pertains to money or a preference for splitting the bill, we have to be open about what we want.
There’s a lot of pressure and confusion around paying for the first date. I think it’s about time paying for a date evolved from being something that is required to an act of attraction, flirtation and goodwill. If we change our view of why someone pays, it will shift our opinions and choices around it.